Vanishing Act

"When you are pregnant, you can think of nothing but having your own body to yourself again; yet after giving birth you realize that the biggest part of you is now somehow external, subject to all sorts of dangers and disappearance, so you spend the rest of your life trying to figure out how to keep her close enough for comfort. That's the strange thing about being a mother: Until you have a baby, you don't even realize how much you were missing one."


Vanishing Act by Jodi Picoult


So after reading a cheesy, albeit fun, teenage sci fi book I am back to Jodi Picoult. There is something about her writing that just draws me in. I think I am going to try to read all of her books (which shouldn't bee too hard since there are only 18 currently).

I just started "Vanishing Act" and I haven't gotten very far. (I'm on page 21.) But I loved the quote above. I think that it sums up how motherhood feels in a way that I never could have put into words.

Its funny how often I have a hard time believing that Sherwood is actually mine. I have spent so many years taking care of other people's children. I have loved every single one of them, even the ones that drove me crazy. I have cherished every moment with my nieces and nephews. The love I feel for them is extensive. But nothing prepared me for the love that I would feel for my own child.

There are nights when he is asleep when I can't help but sneak into the bedroom and place my hand on that little tummy of his. I want to feel the comfort of his breathing and to just have some physical contact with this creature my husband and I were blessed to take care of.

Other times I sneak onto my iphoto and stare at the pictures of him. I know its silly because he is just in the other room. But there is a comfort about looking at those moments captured in time. He will never again be as old as he is right now. I will never get these moments back. So its important to enjoy every second of them.

There are days, like yesterday and today, where he is so fussy that it is hard to remember the blessing that he really is. I am so grateful that someone put into words the way that I feel about my little one. She said it better than I ever could and expressed the way I truly feel, even in the mist of the trials. Once again I am reminded that I am blessed.