Smiles just warm your heart. There is something about receiving a genuine smile from someone that just brightens your day. When it comes from someone that you love, especially someone that you love who can't say "I love you" yet, it means even more.
This week Sherwood has been all smiles. Well, not all smiles. He has had a couple of rough days where all he wanted to do was cry and be held. But he has decided to share his gorgeous smiles with me more. For the first time, this week, he has decided to smile every time I come over to get him. Whether it is from the pack 'n play, the crib, the bouncer, the car seat, or the swing, when he sees me his face lights up.
Its such a little thing but that smile, that all encompassing smile, means the world to me. It tells me that no matter what happens, I am loved. It tells me that even when I do things wrong and don't understand his tears, there is still a special connection between the two of us. Most of all, it makes me feel like the most important person in the world and it melts my heart. I love my little guy. I love being his mom. It isn't always easy, in fact, its often very hard. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. :)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Being a night owl
As I just finished scrubbing my kitchen counters, the stove, getting the oven ready to be wiped down in the morning, putting away dishes, washing dishes and getting things going in the dishwasher, preparing bottles, wiping down the trash can, and scrubbing the microwave I realized why I like being up so much in the middle of the night. The middle of the night is, and always has been, MY time.
I can be myself in the middle of the night without worrying about interfering with anyone else's life. I can clean if that is what my heart wants to do without worrying about my little one needing attention or my attention being torn between spending time with my husband and being a "Martha." At night I can write without feeling like my creativity is being stifled. I can take a long bath and read as long as I want to without someone wanting my attention. At night I can be alive, be myself, and not have to be "mom" or "wife." Before I could do it without having to be "daughter" or, at one point, "roommate."
Now don't get me wrong. I love my "day job." I love being Sherwood's mommy. I love being Aaron's wife. And I love being a daughter, sister, and friend. These are wonderful roles that I get to play in the grand scheme of life. But I really love the freedom that I get when the world is asleep to just be Dana.
So tonight I scrubbed the kitchen. And I feel accomplished because it is something that I haven't had time to do thoroughly in the last week or so. I would like to say that I swept and mopped too, which needs done, but I didn't have the energy to do that as well.
I wish I could say that I was tired enough to sleep. Unfortunately, I can't. I actually think I am going to try doing some creative writing. A story was formulating in my head last night. Its been awhile since I've done any creative writing. It might turn out to be crap but it will be fun to try writing it. Hopefully soon I will head for bed though or getting up for a walk in the morning won't happen, and I need to do that.
So here's hoping that writing will tire my brain out and allow me to head for bed. :)
I can be myself in the middle of the night without worrying about interfering with anyone else's life. I can clean if that is what my heart wants to do without worrying about my little one needing attention or my attention being torn between spending time with my husband and being a "Martha." At night I can write without feeling like my creativity is being stifled. I can take a long bath and read as long as I want to without someone wanting my attention. At night I can be alive, be myself, and not have to be "mom" or "wife." Before I could do it without having to be "daughter" or, at one point, "roommate."
Now don't get me wrong. I love my "day job." I love being Sherwood's mommy. I love being Aaron's wife. And I love being a daughter, sister, and friend. These are wonderful roles that I get to play in the grand scheme of life. But I really love the freedom that I get when the world is asleep to just be Dana.
So tonight I scrubbed the kitchen. And I feel accomplished because it is something that I haven't had time to do thoroughly in the last week or so. I would like to say that I swept and mopped too, which needs done, but I didn't have the energy to do that as well.
I wish I could say that I was tired enough to sleep. Unfortunately, I can't. I actually think I am going to try doing some creative writing. A story was formulating in my head last night. Its been awhile since I've done any creative writing. It might turn out to be crap but it will be fun to try writing it. Hopefully soon I will head for bed though or getting up for a walk in the morning won't happen, and I need to do that.
So here's hoping that writing will tire my brain out and allow me to head for bed. :)
Being Sherwood's mommy August 9-15
This has been a rough week. I'll just start out with that statement.
Aaron had last Monday off, and I was super grateful. He took care of Sherwood and allowed me to get some much needed rest. I love my little munchkin but he can be so draining sometimes!
Tuesday we went to the Ob/gyn. Dr. Hartmann is amazing and I was grateful that he was the doctor I was scheduled to see. We talked to him about the new pregnancy and what the steps were going to be. I am to eat 2200 calories a day (which is hard because I have troubles getting 1000 calories in a day, unless its junk). I am also supposed to try to lose some weight during the first trimester. Then during the next two trimesters I am only to gain between 11-20 pounds. That's alright with me because I have only lost about 20-25 from Sherwood's pregnancy.
Dr. Hartmann did a transvaginal ultrasound and confirmed that there is indeed a gestational sac in my uterus. It is too early though to see how far along I am. There was also some implantation bleeding, which I found interesting since I had experienced some of that two weeks prior. But he was not in the least bit concerned.
Sherwood and I ran a few errands that morning, on base. The only reason I put it here is because he discovered his thumb! It was the first time that he had managed to get his thumb, and only his thumb into his mouth to suck on. He's been trying for a while now. He loves to suck on his fist and his arm but he would be happiest if he could just get that thumb to cooperate! I was very proud. :)
Tuesday night I went to the psychiatrist. I needed to talk to her about the best way to handle my depression. If you don't know, I was diagnosed with bipolar depression a year ago. I have been fighting depression since I was a kid and have been on anti-depressants off and on since I was 17. I went off anti-depressants completely while I was pregnant with Sherwood but had a really hard time with it. It was decided that I needed to be on them while I was pregnant with Baby "A" (as we are calling it).
Wednesday night I went back to the office and talked with a therapist and was given a prescription to zoloft. The therapist said that I have a lot of issues to deal with (which I already knew) and that we needed to meet once a week for awhile at least.
The rest of the week Sherwood and I had horrible sleeping patterns. Neither of us did well sleeping at night all week. He's definitely my little night owl. Baby A has been causing me to be sick at night. It usually hits around 11 o'clock at night and then continues through the majority of the night and into the early morning. Makes it hard to sleep.
Sherwood and I were trying to take walks in the mornings. He got to ride in his stroller for the first time without the car seat and he loved it! But it has been rainy the last few days, and that combined with my lack of sleep has kept us hiding inside.
He also got to hang out in his high chair for the first time this week. I put him in his high chair on Thursday so he could sit at the table with us while we were eating. I think he really liked it. Next month he will begin eating cereal. That will be a fun adventure all on its own!
I've been experiencing all the joys of the first trimester. The fatigue, sickness, lightheadedness, moodiness (my meds haven't kicked in to help with that), the little bit of cramping, etc. But the fun part is that I am also having symptoms of the third trimester like insomnia (horrible to go with the fatigue), achiness (sciatic nerve in particular), heartburn, etc. So I have a feeling it is going to be a long pregnancy. Then again, it basically will be two years straight being pregnant with about 2 months in between.
Next week Sherwood and I go in for a WIC appointment. That ought to be fun. They will measure and weigh him though, and I am excited to see how big he has gotten. We also have an appointment with Dionne, our parents as teachers person, and I have a therapist appointment. I also need to try to get in to see my normal doc because I hurt myself by falling down the stairs a month ago and it doesn't seem to be getting better, but rather, worse. It promises to be a busy week for the two of us.
Sherwood is sleeping better though and we have gotten him on a nighttime routine. I try a daytime one but it is constantly being thwarted by one thing or another. But at least he is going to bed at a regular time every night. Hopefully soon he will stop being a night owl and will sleep through the night. Hopefully soon so will I.
And that's this week in a nutshell.
Aaron had last Monday off, and I was super grateful. He took care of Sherwood and allowed me to get some much needed rest. I love my little munchkin but he can be so draining sometimes!
Tuesday we went to the Ob/gyn. Dr. Hartmann is amazing and I was grateful that he was the doctor I was scheduled to see. We talked to him about the new pregnancy and what the steps were going to be. I am to eat 2200 calories a day (which is hard because I have troubles getting 1000 calories in a day, unless its junk). I am also supposed to try to lose some weight during the first trimester. Then during the next two trimesters I am only to gain between 11-20 pounds. That's alright with me because I have only lost about 20-25 from Sherwood's pregnancy.
Dr. Hartmann did a transvaginal ultrasound and confirmed that there is indeed a gestational sac in my uterus. It is too early though to see how far along I am. There was also some implantation bleeding, which I found interesting since I had experienced some of that two weeks prior. But he was not in the least bit concerned.
Sherwood and I ran a few errands that morning, on base. The only reason I put it here is because he discovered his thumb! It was the first time that he had managed to get his thumb, and only his thumb into his mouth to suck on. He's been trying for a while now. He loves to suck on his fist and his arm but he would be happiest if he could just get that thumb to cooperate! I was very proud. :)
Tuesday night I went to the psychiatrist. I needed to talk to her about the best way to handle my depression. If you don't know, I was diagnosed with bipolar depression a year ago. I have been fighting depression since I was a kid and have been on anti-depressants off and on since I was 17. I went off anti-depressants completely while I was pregnant with Sherwood but had a really hard time with it. It was decided that I needed to be on them while I was pregnant with Baby "A" (as we are calling it).
Wednesday night I went back to the office and talked with a therapist and was given a prescription to zoloft. The therapist said that I have a lot of issues to deal with (which I already knew) and that we needed to meet once a week for awhile at least.
The rest of the week Sherwood and I had horrible sleeping patterns. Neither of us did well sleeping at night all week. He's definitely my little night owl. Baby A has been causing me to be sick at night. It usually hits around 11 o'clock at night and then continues through the majority of the night and into the early morning. Makes it hard to sleep.
Sherwood and I were trying to take walks in the mornings. He got to ride in his stroller for the first time without the car seat and he loved it! But it has been rainy the last few days, and that combined with my lack of sleep has kept us hiding inside.
He also got to hang out in his high chair for the first time this week. I put him in his high chair on Thursday so he could sit at the table with us while we were eating. I think he really liked it. Next month he will begin eating cereal. That will be a fun adventure all on its own!
I've been experiencing all the joys of the first trimester. The fatigue, sickness, lightheadedness, moodiness (my meds haven't kicked in to help with that), the little bit of cramping, etc. But the fun part is that I am also having symptoms of the third trimester like insomnia (horrible to go with the fatigue), achiness (sciatic nerve in particular), heartburn, etc. So I have a feeling it is going to be a long pregnancy. Then again, it basically will be two years straight being pregnant with about 2 months in between.
Next week Sherwood and I go in for a WIC appointment. That ought to be fun. They will measure and weigh him though, and I am excited to see how big he has gotten. We also have an appointment with Dionne, our parents as teachers person, and I have a therapist appointment. I also need to try to get in to see my normal doc because I hurt myself by falling down the stairs a month ago and it doesn't seem to be getting better, but rather, worse. It promises to be a busy week for the two of us.
Sherwood is sleeping better though and we have gotten him on a nighttime routine. I try a daytime one but it is constantly being thwarted by one thing or another. But at least he is going to bed at a regular time every night. Hopefully soon he will stop being a night owl and will sleep through the night. Hopefully soon so will I.
And that's this week in a nutshell.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
19 Minutes
I'm currently reading "19 Minutes" by Jodi Picoult. The way that she writes keeps my attention in a way that very few authors can. It is not generally my style of story (far too dramatic and tugs at the heartstrings) but I can't stop myself from getting engrossed in her writing.
As I have been reading I have began to think about myself and my child. I'm not even half way through the book, so it is safe to read the following even if you want to read the book. I promise not to spoil anything. Everything that follows can be found in a synapsis.
The book is about a school shooting. Jodi Picoult explores the world of the shooter and the victims in a way that no other person ever could. She explores the emotions that lead the shooter to do something so drastic. Picoult explores the relationships in the shooter's life, from that of his family to that of the other students at the school.
As a child I was bullied. I went through a really rough patch where life at home and at school was miserable. I experienced many of the different things that the shooter, Peter, experienced in elementary school. I also understand how hard it can be to get an adult to help in a situation of bullying.
I was fortunate, though, in the fact that I was able to start over again at a new middle school with a new group of kids who did not see me the same way that the elementary school children did. I was able to break myself from the cycle in a way that Peter was not able to do since he lived in a small town (and therefore was stuck going to school with the same group of people from preschool to high school).
Recently I worked as a teacher's assistant at an elementary school. During my two and a half years as a TA I learned how hard it is to monitor children on the playground. Far too often it was impossible to know who was actually attacking whom. Children can be so mean to one another and there is only so much that can be done to prevent it. I worked hard to protect children from bullying as much as possible, but frequently there were far too many adults for far too many children who were determined to be cruel to one another.
Now as a mother I look at the world in a completely different light. I cry at the idea of my little one going through even an ounce of the pain that I went through as a child. I pray that I can protect him from pain, shame, and suffering. I hope that I can stand there beside him and help him when he needs the help. But I fear because I know that I will not always be able to protect him. I know that I will not always be there when bad things happen and I cannot fight all of his fights for him.
The shooter in "19 Minutes," Peter, was a child once. He was a little baby who was held and loved by his mother. He was snuggled in her arms, kissed, and the tears were wiped off of his face. Jodi Picoult paints a picture of loving parents who try to protect their child, and try to do everything in their power to help him to become his best.
Something went wrong though. I still don't know where exactly or how. I don't know if Jodi Picoult will blame it on the parents, but I really don't think she will. A number of different factors went together and created an atmosphere in which Peter could not be himself.
As I read the book I can't help but thinking about what I can do to protect my son and whether or not it is possible to keep a child from growing up into a monster. Can love be enough? Is prayer enough? We dedicated Sherwood to the Lord this past Sunday. We promised to raise him in God's Word and to follow Christ. But even with a home that is filled with Christ I know that there is still a chance of turning away (my brothers and I were raised in a Christian home and I am the only one who follows Christ). Is there a way to change a child's decisions and to make sure that they will go the way that they should?
I guess the answer is no. The only thing that can be done is to raise them the best that we, as flawed humans, possibly can. To pray that God will help them to make the right decisions. To trust that God's promises will remain true. But it comes down to free choice. My son has the right to make choices the same way that I have the right to make choices. They may be right, or they may be wrong. There is no way to know which way that he will go. Its all a matter of trust and doing the best that we possibly can.
We don't plan on putting our children in public or private school. Hopefully I will be able to homeschool our children. While this will protect them from the tortures of bullying at school it can present its own problems. I can protect them from day to day tortures but by not allowing them to endure school tortures will I be making them into weak human beings who will not be able to endure real life when they are forced to enter the job force or college.
Its a lot to think about, I know. But these are the thoughts that have been running through my head as I read this book. I don't think that there are any answers to any of this. There is no manual on how to do things. Each child is different and needs to be treated differently. My biggest goal is just to do the best that I can to help my children grow into men and women who are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at them. And I'm sure that's all most parents want to do.
As I have been reading I have began to think about myself and my child. I'm not even half way through the book, so it is safe to read the following even if you want to read the book. I promise not to spoil anything. Everything that follows can be found in a synapsis.
The book is about a school shooting. Jodi Picoult explores the world of the shooter and the victims in a way that no other person ever could. She explores the emotions that lead the shooter to do something so drastic. Picoult explores the relationships in the shooter's life, from that of his family to that of the other students at the school.
As a child I was bullied. I went through a really rough patch where life at home and at school was miserable. I experienced many of the different things that the shooter, Peter, experienced in elementary school. I also understand how hard it can be to get an adult to help in a situation of bullying.
I was fortunate, though, in the fact that I was able to start over again at a new middle school with a new group of kids who did not see me the same way that the elementary school children did. I was able to break myself from the cycle in a way that Peter was not able to do since he lived in a small town (and therefore was stuck going to school with the same group of people from preschool to high school).
Recently I worked as a teacher's assistant at an elementary school. During my two and a half years as a TA I learned how hard it is to monitor children on the playground. Far too often it was impossible to know who was actually attacking whom. Children can be so mean to one another and there is only so much that can be done to prevent it. I worked hard to protect children from bullying as much as possible, but frequently there were far too many adults for far too many children who were determined to be cruel to one another.
Now as a mother I look at the world in a completely different light. I cry at the idea of my little one going through even an ounce of the pain that I went through as a child. I pray that I can protect him from pain, shame, and suffering. I hope that I can stand there beside him and help him when he needs the help. But I fear because I know that I will not always be able to protect him. I know that I will not always be there when bad things happen and I cannot fight all of his fights for him.
The shooter in "19 Minutes," Peter, was a child once. He was a little baby who was held and loved by his mother. He was snuggled in her arms, kissed, and the tears were wiped off of his face. Jodi Picoult paints a picture of loving parents who try to protect their child, and try to do everything in their power to help him to become his best.
Something went wrong though. I still don't know where exactly or how. I don't know if Jodi Picoult will blame it on the parents, but I really don't think she will. A number of different factors went together and created an atmosphere in which Peter could not be himself.
As I read the book I can't help but thinking about what I can do to protect my son and whether or not it is possible to keep a child from growing up into a monster. Can love be enough? Is prayer enough? We dedicated Sherwood to the Lord this past Sunday. We promised to raise him in God's Word and to follow Christ. But even with a home that is filled with Christ I know that there is still a chance of turning away (my brothers and I were raised in a Christian home and I am the only one who follows Christ). Is there a way to change a child's decisions and to make sure that they will go the way that they should?
I guess the answer is no. The only thing that can be done is to raise them the best that we, as flawed humans, possibly can. To pray that God will help them to make the right decisions. To trust that God's promises will remain true. But it comes down to free choice. My son has the right to make choices the same way that I have the right to make choices. They may be right, or they may be wrong. There is no way to know which way that he will go. Its all a matter of trust and doing the best that we possibly can.
We don't plan on putting our children in public or private school. Hopefully I will be able to homeschool our children. While this will protect them from the tortures of bullying at school it can present its own problems. I can protect them from day to day tortures but by not allowing them to endure school tortures will I be making them into weak human beings who will not be able to endure real life when they are forced to enter the job force or college.
Its a lot to think about, I know. But these are the thoughts that have been running through my head as I read this book. I don't think that there are any answers to any of this. There is no manual on how to do things. Each child is different and needs to be treated differently. My biggest goal is just to do the best that I can to help my children grow into men and women who are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at them. And I'm sure that's all most parents want to do.
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