19 Minutes

I'm currently reading "19 Minutes" by Jodi Picoult. The way that she writes keeps my attention in a way that very few authors can. It is not generally my style of story (far too dramatic and tugs at the heartstrings) but I can't stop myself from getting engrossed in her writing.

As I have been reading I have began to think about myself and my child. I'm not even half way through the book, so it is safe to read the following even if you want to read the book. I promise not to spoil anything. Everything that follows can be found in a synapsis.

The book is about a school shooting. Jodi Picoult explores the world of the shooter and the victims in a way that no other person ever could. She explores the emotions that lead the shooter to do something so drastic. Picoult explores the relationships in the shooter's life, from that of his family to that of the other students at the school.

As a child I was bullied. I went through a really rough patch where life at home and at school was miserable. I experienced many of the different things that the shooter, Peter, experienced in elementary school. I also understand how hard it can be to get an adult to help in a situation of bullying.

I was fortunate, though, in the fact that I was able to start over again at a new middle school with a new group of kids who did not see me the same way that the elementary school children did. I was able to break myself from the cycle in a way that Peter was not able to do since he lived in a small town (and therefore was stuck going to school with the same group of people from preschool to high school).

Recently I worked as a teacher's assistant at an elementary school. During my two and a half years as a TA I learned how hard it is to monitor children on the playground. Far too often it was impossible to know who was actually attacking whom. Children can be so mean to one another and there is only so much that can be done to prevent it. I worked hard to protect children from bullying as much as possible, but frequently there were far too many adults for far too many children who were determined to be cruel to one another.

Now as a mother I look at the world in a completely different light. I cry at the idea of my little one going through even an ounce of the pain that I went through as a child. I pray that I can protect him from pain, shame, and suffering. I hope that I can stand there beside him and help him when he needs the help. But I fear because I know that I will not always be able to protect him. I know that I will not always be there when bad things happen and I cannot fight all of his fights for him.

The shooter in "19 Minutes," Peter, was a child once. He was a little baby who was held and loved by his mother. He was snuggled in her arms, kissed, and the tears were wiped off of his face. Jodi Picoult paints a picture of loving parents who try to protect their child, and try to do everything in their power to help him to become his best.

Something went wrong though. I still don't know where exactly or how. I don't know if Jodi Picoult will blame it on the parents, but I really don't think she will. A number of different factors went together and created an atmosphere in which Peter could not be himself.

As I read the book I can't help but thinking about what I can do to protect my son and whether or not it is possible to keep a child from growing up into a monster. Can love be enough? Is prayer enough? We dedicated Sherwood to the Lord this past Sunday. We promised to raise him in God's Word and to follow Christ. But even with a home that is filled with Christ I know that there is still a chance of turning away (my brothers and I were raised in a Christian home and I am the only one who follows Christ). Is there a way to change a child's decisions and to make sure that they will go the way that they should?

I guess the answer is no. The only thing that can be done is to raise them the best that we, as flawed humans, possibly can. To pray that God will help them to make the right decisions. To trust that God's promises will remain true. But it comes down to free choice. My son has the right to make choices the same way that I have the right to make choices. They may be right, or they may be wrong. There is no way to know which way that he will go. Its all a matter of trust and doing the best that we possibly can.

We don't plan on putting our children in public or private school. Hopefully I will be able to homeschool our children. While this will protect them from the tortures of bullying at school it can present its own problems. I can protect them from day to day tortures but by not allowing them to endure school tortures will I be making them into weak human beings who will not be able to endure real life when they are forced to enter the job force or college.

Its a lot to think about, I know. But these are the thoughts that have been running through my head as I read this book. I don't think that there are any answers to any of this. There is no manual on how to do things. Each child is different and needs to be treated differently. My biggest goal is just to do the best that I can to help my children grow into men and women who are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at them. And I'm sure that's all most parents want to do.